This is an open letter to my fellow coworkers. Some of you may not like what I am about to say and if I offend any of my coworkers…. Tough Shit! Get over it! Or more to the point, Grow the fuck up!
Look I get it. The recent changes have stressed you out.. I’m depressed about our founder leaving as well but when a company announces that there is going to be 6% cuts across the board, I would never think to start taking out my frustrations on said company and its employees. Cases in point:
To my fellow coworkers who are not potty trained:
What the FUCK!!!! While I have gotten used to “But Gasket” guy (Guy who must line the toilet seat with toilet paper and does not then flush it down.) I cannot get used to “dried shit on side of toilet” guy… Really!?!? You have to shit on the side of the toilet and leave it for all to see!?!? Really!?!?
And what the fuck is up with you “Piss on the floor” guy?!?! Really?!?! Pissing on the floor?!?! I’m not talking “Oops I missed I’m talking to you “blatantly piss on the floor in front of sink” guy.. You disgust me!!!! I can’t even fathom the thought process you go through to say “I’ll show the man! And I’ll piss on the floor of the bathroom!” I swear to you if I caught you doing it I would punch you in the fucking face! You do realize “the man” does not clean this up right?
To my fellow coworkers who are thieves:
So we had a new wing added on. New furniture came in and somebody stole a conference room chair. Come on!!!! Stealing a chair?!?! Again the thought process eludes me… I mean really?!?! “the Man” is not here and has no clue so your shady escapade only annoys us that are still employed here and now we wonder if you will be stealing crap off our desk..
To my fellow coworkers who chew gum:
Brand new wing, brand new carpet, in fact carpet is not even down for ½ an hour. Now I’m not sure if you are walking and chewing gum do you suddenly realize later “Wait a sec, I had a piece of gum in my mouth. Where’d it go?” This was blatant disrespectful vandalism! If you accidentally drop it pick it up!! But the act of then stepping on it?!?! Really?!?! At least have the balls to admit your stupidity!!!!
To my fellow coworkers who drink coffee:
Why do you fucking people have to fill your god forsaken cup to the very limits of molecular cohesion and then spill it in the fucking hallway on the way back to your desk?!?! I mean if you want that much more coffee get a bigger coffee mug you cheep lazy motherfuckers!!!!
And to the motherfucker who blatantly spilled a trail in the new wing… Really?!?! Again, it’s childish vandalism and all you are doing is making work for your fellow coworkers who have been here just as long, if not longer, than you have… If you accidently spilled it again have the decency to tell somebody!
To my coworkers who are cry baby coddled children:
GET OVER IT!!! And really just STFU! Yes the company is now corporate… and you know what? It’s gonna stay that way… Maybe someday someone from here will leave and do another start up and start calling us in and we can temporarily relish not being in the corporate world, but really, until that really happens shut the fuck up! I don’t like it either but I suck it up and do my job!
All you are doing is spreading your unhappiness and raining on my parade! I’m supposed to be happy in the twilight here of just being barely under 40 and expecting my 3rd kid, but no!!! I have to come in and listen to all your crying about how it used to be when we were in “the house” and how much easier it was to do our jobs and not have to be “Compliant” with rules and regulations..(Ironically, some of you were the same people crying about our lack of space in the house.)
And to all my fellow coworkers whao are jealous mother fuckers:
Guess what yes… a few people made a crap load of money… They also sacrificed and had 4 and in one case 5 mortgages to start up our company and get you your job… They went home at night and prayed to god that they could work hard and hired the right people with the right stuff to make sure they could get out from under the hole they got themselves into. And holy shit! The late hours of our founder coming in on Saturdays (I know cause he used to call me for help on occasion.) paid off! His investment and sacrifice paid off big time.
And you jealous mother fuckers get all pissy because they got a bigger office… Fuck You! Shut the fuck up! The reality here for you “coworkers who are not potty trained,” and “coworkers who are thieves,” and “coworkers who chew gum,” and “coworkers who drink coffee” and most especially “coworkers who are cry baby coddled children,” is that if you are that fucking miserable allow me to show you the fucking exit sign… In fact I’ll gladly hold the door for you…
And more importantly “GROW THE FUCK UP!!!”